The Perceived Perception Of One’s Self

I have quite possibly been through one of the worst processes of my life. Being interviewed on videotape. My life and work in the theater always kept me on the backside of the stage or camera, but this morning I created an interview for the submission of my project for Kick Starter. Jumping out of a plane on my 50th Birthday was not nearly as difficult as today. How is it that I can be so articulate when I am sitting here writing, but then my mind and mouth become filled with garble when I am trying to explain what I am working on or doing? I have been working on this project for the past 6 1/2 months now you would think that would come flowing out; it seems to when I write. It’s funny because I have never really seen myself as a writer either, but I have always approached it by just expressing my thoughts and emotions and that I would be able to muddle my way through the process. I am surprised by how many people say how moved they were by the text and how powerful my writing has been. What I thought would be a simple twenty-minute process today turned into a three-hour ordeal. There is a reason I have always worked behind the scenes on creative endeavors. Tomorrow we will cut it down to a two or three-minute video and the submission process will begin. I am definitely gaining a different perspective on myself as an artist. Up to this point I feel that I have remained hidden and protected. You all may laugh when you read this and be saying how can a man who can expose himself so publicly through a process like this. That’s easy, up until now it has only been on the Internet where I am protected by the confines of my laptop. I am generally really good in dealing with and connecting to people, but there is also a part of me that is very reserved and actually quite shy. Today that side of my self resisted being exposed. I realized today, that some how as artist our creation comes from the minds eye, how we perceive our selves. The actual self may be different from that of the artist. It’s far easier to conceptualize your vision and just create, almost like a voyeur, watching, waiting, lingering. I often think the real me isn’t all that interesting, perhaps it is another reason I am driven to create so I don’t have to deal with the insecurities of my physical self. It was odd to feel such a strange fracture of myself and to become so keenly aware of it.

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