Chad #221, 2011

Yesterday the stress levels just escalated when I resumed the printing process again on the final images. I only have 6 images to finish on the portfolio series and for some reason the software stopped communication with the printer so I could no longer make adjustments. It was like the control panels had completely disappeared. I then had to take an already busy day and begin to deal with trying to figure it out. I am still not sure if I have solved it, but I am going to use another software program to see if I can try another approach. In the old days there was nothing to impede your progress, except time, the process was so simple, shine a light through a piece of emulsion (film) on a piece of paper and put in a bath of chemicals and the image would magically emerge. Well I guess no electricity could stop that process but unlike a software issue where there are so many unknown variables, is it the printer, the computer, the software, why does it work one moment and not the next on the exact same image? And then if you have to call tech support another hour is gone and soon the day it shot. And in the middle of it all I realize I have not actually shot a new image of naked man in almost three weeks since this whole process of Kickstarter began. I am beginning to realize that I am more of a creative person and thrive when I am in the creative process. Though all this is a creative way to promote your self, it is not where the heart of my real talents lie. It’s getting back to the core of what I do best with less distraction. I think it is time to find a young apprentice who can help and handle some of the technical aspects of my process.

Today’s image is of Chad. He was the cable guy I asked if I could photograph. Wasn’t planning on doing the full monty, but when he saw this Naked Man project that’s exactly where he wanted to take it. It seems somehow as the Project progresses the more the models are excited about taking it all the way. They want to see themselves naked, who am I to disagree, right! You might be say, how can it get any better then this, but the real challenge is to create a context where both our worlds intersect. Getting to the true nature and core of who they are within the perceptions of my minds eye. I guess it would be the difference between porn and art; though many people disagree, there really is a difference. In my case it becomes a portrait of the inner self. I am actually in this picture with Chad. I am barely visible in the faint shadows behind him in the reflection. It was the only way I could make the image work. I am fascinated by mirrors and this was an exploration on the theme of Narcissus. I love the idea of what we see in the mirror is often contrary to the perceptions of who we actually are. When we look in the mirror we don’t see our selves fully, but we only see what we want to see. I still see myself as a 30 something man whose vitality is just beginning to reach his maturation. But in reality I am a recently turned 50 year old man, who has fallen a bit out of shape this year because he spends far to much time writing blogs and trying to connect to a world beyond himself and is beginning the see the lines of life work into his maturing face. Where the reality lies, is yet to be determined. My energy and ambition lies with the 30 year old. Many people when they meet me are surprised when they find out my age. Why does age seem to be such a barrier in our culture? You go on a gay cruise site and if you are not under 40 you are ignored and so everyone lies. Then when you actually meet someone, they are completely not what is represented on their profiles. In fact most men on gay dating sites are not what they represent at all. Why do we all want to become something than what we actually are? In truth none of us seem content with what we see in that mirror, and thanks to the internet, we become in a sense our own fantasy, add a few more inches and your world has just been perfected. My project has a different approach, it’s about stripping away and getting to the core of who you are and really seeing those sensational qualities we all possess. It doesn’t work for everyone, and the ones it doesn’t work for are still expecting to see themselves in a different light, so to speak. But it is a powerful process and I think well worth the exploration.

This is the 14th image in a series of 20. I am building a portfolio to take the existence of myself as an artist out in the world and see if it is worthy of submission. I still need some help getting this project off the ground. I am using the Kickstarter program to raise money to promote myself as an artist on this journey. We are now down to 8 days and $323 to go. I am getting down to the wire here. If I do not reach the pledged goal, I get nothing and this tremendous amount of work is for nothing. Pledges begin at $1 and we are now close enough that every dollar gets me within range of the final goal. It’s an all or nothing program. Thanks for you help and support.

VIEW FULL IMAGE: Chad #221