George #130, 2011

As I look back through the history of my images, I see a sort of darkness in the images I had not recognized before. Someone commented the other day that they did not think my images where erotic at all, yet that is all I see. There is a boldness to stand on the edge and look inward on one’s own life and ask someone to reveal themselves to you. It becomes a hypnotic dance of exposing ourselves to each other. I am not a mere voyeur who is observing and recording, but I am there, present, emotionally engaged with them. The foundation of any kind of nude photography requires a strong sexual desire. I cannot ignore it. I respond to what is present before me. I am a gay man who follows his impulse. As a young gay man I was very sexually active and driven, but as an older man I recognize what triggers my desire and that really becomes the subject of my images, the impulse is more subdued. It becomes more of a fascination that ignites the need to create a visual representation of that impulse. As may body changes, my desire changes, but the initial impulse does not. The original impulse is that of a twenty something just on the verge of discovering his awakening sexual desire. I was a late bloomer, as they say, and did not explore those options until I was in my mid twenties. So I dwelt in a world of unspeakable desire, recognizing the impulse, but unable to respond physically. It was harder to connect in my day, and the uncertain outcome distanced me further. Growing up in a place like Montana, we are a small community, and fear becoming an outsider. We are close knit and not much remains hidden. We leap with our hearts and are often reveal what on our minds, frank, forward, upfront, and honest. To have a desire for someone of the same sex often creates an internal struggle to first of all figure the desire out and second to either reject it or come to some sort of acceptance. Many lived in denial, suppressing that hidden desire, while others found easier ways to escape by committing suicide and ending the struggle. Very few followed what was actually in their hearts. I was one of the few in my community who was somehow able to come out of the shadows. And that is what many of my images are about is coming out of the shadows.

Today’s image is a young man named George. I instantly hit it off with George from our first meeting and identified with him. He is the new generation living without fear or struggle, accepting, hopeful, filled with a new kind of desire, open, honest and completely upfront, fearless, happy, and content. I see all these things in his eyes and I think what a long way I have come and what a remarkable journey it has become. This will become the 18th piece in the portfolio collection.

I am still looking for a bit more help with my trip so please consider helping out if you can. I am down to the last couple of days on the Kickstarter program. Thanks to all who have helped me so far along the way.

VIEW FULL IMAGE: George #130

This image was also used in the blogpost "Embracing Youthful Turmoil."