My room here in Paris is filled with mirrors, in fact the whole hotel is filled with mirrors, perhaps to make the small cramped spaces appear to be larger than they really are. I keep capturing the reflection of myself in all those mirrors. I feel in so many ways to be a gay man at 50 I have lost perspective of my physical self and perhaps this hotel and my choice to stay here is not by chance but by some mysterious design to force me to look at myself. At first, it’s almost too confrontational. To visit other countries, where you are a complete stranger, even to the very language that becomes your security, always forces one to become introspective and put you off guard. I see myself as an aging man obsessed with the beauty of youth, much like Aschenbach in Thomas Mann’s story Death In Venice. And Paris to be very much as I imagine Venice to be, everywhere I walk I catch a glimpse of beautiful men, speaking languages of so many different languages, many of them not recognizable. Yesterday I was caught in a rainstorm at the Opera and stepped under the lip of a ledge of a building on the corner for shelter. A young man stood beside me, beautiful skin, dressed simple, gazing out at the grandeur of the piazza, I took a sideward glance and admired the beauty of his skin, dark eyes, furrowed brow, magnificent gaze. He caught my glimpse and became aware I was watching him and gave me a warm smile. It is a youth I long to posses again, but has passed. As I was riding the train into the city yesterday morning we stopped at La Plaine Stade de France (soccer stadium) and a flood of beautiful men filled the platform, heading into the stadium to begin practice. Many years ago on a trip to NYC, I was staying with some friends who had a calendar done in this stadium with beautiful athletes, Dieux du Stade. I so admired that work and those images that I someday desired to create such works of beauty, naked men the vitality of youth. Here I am now in it’s presence, feel its magnificent seduction as my heart races with excitement. But now to see the reflection, of what I have become in all those damn mirrors. I began the year in excellent shape, firm, toned and defined, but this year has made me soft. The obsession with this project to fulfill my desire and search for meaning in art and taken a further commitment of sitting and working, instead of the focus of the physical. In many ways this year I have lived more in my head than in my body, that vitality now exists in my work, in a seemingly virtual world outside of my own existence. Yet, like the mirrors in my room, it’s a reflection of myself. Both so different, so distant. A light misty rain fills the air as I crouch under an umbrella at my breakfast table. It feels good to feel the cleansing air, perhaps this too becomes a metaphor for what this trip will bring. My gaze into the mirror is beginning to soften. I am what I have become and nothing can change the process and path of that part of my life. Other men my age seem comfortable to be where they are. Are they? Or does it just become the façade of their manner? I wish to posses this on my own terms? Perhaps I have never been quite comfortable in my own skin. My youth was also filled with angst as well. But sex and desire filled the voids of that uncertainty. Perhaps this is just the nature of myself to not find contentment. And perhaps it’s what makes me have an insatiable need to create. Is my creation then out of a need of desperation? I don’t think so but becomes an introspection into what I have experienced. That reflection now reveals a man who has never quite been satisfied with himself. I think this is why I am drawn to reveal the extraordinary in other who cannot see it within them selves.
VIEW FULL IMAGE: Justin #354
4 comments:
Terry no one is ever completely satisfied with themselves. We live in a culture designed to make you feel inferior, or at the very least nostalgic for 5 minutes ago. The more inferior I can make you feel the more likely you are to buy the product I am selling.Life is duality and finding the balance,as artists we are more sensitive to these sort of feelings, and yes that is why you have this unexplained need to create. Use that to your advantage. Don't mourn a life that you might have had, instead open mouth kiss the one you have now, hell even French kiss it. Enjoy the rest of your journey
At forty, I was on top of the world. Fifty was harder. Sixty even harder. The one place I'm happy and (at least relatively) content is behind my camera. With Glory of the West I'm finding the fulfillment of actually achieving a long-held dream. I know that your trip will be a great success in every area of your life and thought. You are where you're supposed to be right now and you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. As I've told you before, the introspection just brings a greater depth to your art. Enjoy!
Hugs and best wishes.
Bryan
I love Marklin's comment, " . . . Open mouth kiss the one (life) you have now, hell, even French kiss it!" What a smart way to envision embracing life. I am so envious and proud of the amazing man you be. I am in awe of the depth of your eye and heart Terry and clearly those with a discerning eye in Europe have discovered that in you through your image and self-reflective, memoir blog.
Yes, Marklin's comment about french kissing your present life is great!
I also feel like I am a younger person trapped in an older body. When I look in the mirror now I see lines in my face that weren't there before. I'm starting to look even more like my mother (ugh). But I think that how you feel on the inside projects through your outer appearance, not so much when you look in the mirror, but when you interact with others and speak of something you are passionate about. Remember that we don't really see a dynamic image when we just look in the mirror.
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