Denial of Emotional Connection

It feels like I am back on track. This is my element: of talking about sex and my emotional experience from the past. I realize I am not a very good person who projects into the future, but more of someone who searches for meaning in the past. It’s not that I live in the past it’s just that I so appreciate all the experiences and feelings it has allowed me to explore and live. I know so many people who deny or reject emotions when they are bad and really try to disconnect from associating with them. To me, that becomes the breath that confirms we are human and gives us the depth of our passion to be human. I have always been a person to embrace all emotions, be fascinated by and explore my feelings, and boy has my life been filled with them. I allow myself to cry when I am overwhelmed by something and I am not afraid to admit it. I used to love to movies because they were so filled with emotions. Well maybe not the car chase ones, but the ones about human drama. It takes us to a place we may not otherwise get to experience. But my passion for movies has somehow died over the years; perhaps the passion in the movies has changed, or perhaps it’s me that’s changed. But I don’t see or feel much of deep connections within the modern films. It’s like most everyone who makes them now only lives life on the surface. Do we live in an era where we are now all medicated so we all don’t have to live with our emotions? I also think that I have found what is profound about my own life and what and how I choose to live it. I am not one of those people who just creates drama in my life to be surrounded by it, far from it. But my life has been filled with so many events and people that have touched me so deeply that I can’t help but to examine my connection to them.

I have not and do not go back and read any of the previous postings on this site. I only move forward. Yesterday I wanted to connect back to some stories I had begun previously that embellished what I was currently writing about so I began to search the blog for those connections. It took me a long time to actually find them, but along the way, as I skimmed those past postings for the first time since I began, I saw how much emotion is contained in most everything I’ve been writing. I was actually kind of startled how stark and raw some of that has been and, as I looked back, I found myself asking, did I actually create this? You have to understand that I am not a writer. In fact it’s been the weakest element of my life. How does someone who can even seem to spell write such deep thoughts and connect to so many different people? I learned early as a creative soul that it does not matter your ability or talent as long as you show up for it every day. I see now this blog has forced me to show up everyday. I somehow thought the images would just speak for themselves and that I would have nothing to say. I meant to only write a paragraph per day, but somehow I can’t express what I feel in only one paragraph and I am envious of people who write poetry that cuts to the core of what they say with minimal words. It’s like life; we have to show up for it every single day! Why do so many people live in denial of it? Perhaps that’s why inane television programming has become so popular and we are spoon-fed well defined glimpse of our insecurities.

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