Friday, March 4, 2011
"We All Live Such Elaborate Lives..."
My reality is I have a job, that I have worked some time to establish myself within for UPS. Though it’s part time, it is a steady income that pays my living expenses and also provides some great perks and benefits and allows me days just to work on my creative endeavors. I am currently allotted two weeks of paid vacation per year, and since I am at the bottom of the totem pole in my center I don’t get much choice when it comes to selecting time because I generally have to take whatever weeks remain open which becomes very limited, especially in the summer. But the funny thing is this isn’t really what bothers me, because several years ago I would have leapt at such an opportunity. The thing that really bugs me is that I have begun this Naked Man Project as a dream to reach out with my heart, expand my horizons, and allow my artistry to flourish. I know it is a big dream with the potential to really expand my creative talents. I did not look much beyond Montana and did not consider the possibility of where it might lead. Yes I was hoping to get published somehow and possibly do a calendar of some sort. But my reality is that I am in Montana, working for what feels a meager survival. The market has crashed around me and it is becoming more and more difficult to scramble for the work. Though my talents are toward photographing nude people, there really isn’t any money in it. I also struggle with my issues of growing older and constantly have to think of my future? I am so uncertain of the potential of making money making beautiful art that I am possibly blind to what lies before me. It is all new to me. Am I really talented enough to actually make enough money at it to survive on it solely? I am a creative soul who knows how to create, but I have no real idea of what the potential value of such things. There are a lot of people out there taking beautiful pictures of beautiful men, is there room for what I do? I keep thinking about the future and know if I want to pursue my art and follow my passion I will need to eventually leave the security of these mountains that surround me. Trapped in a sort of Shangri-La that is beautiful, mystifying, and draws my soul to the comfort of it surroundings. Perhaps I am foolish to have begun this passion so late in my life. This is a young man’s dream and thus perhaps, I often wonder if my dreams have only become delusional fantasies. What is the next step? Where do I really want to end up? I am an extraordinary studio here in Montana that I have spent a lifetime building? Is it time to let go and step outside of the box?
“We all lead such elaborate lives
wild ambitions in our sights
How an affair of the heart survives”
ELABORATE LIVES, lyrics from the musical AIDA by Elton John as sung by Adam Pascal and Heather Headley
VIEW FULL IMAGE: Self Portrait-bedroom, 2008