One man's exploration in finding himself and his search for light, beauty, desire and art.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Spark Of Life
Today is the 100th posting in the project and to be honest today I am exhausted. This project, though it is my breath of fresh air each day to work on, consumes so much of me. Some days I just want to disappear and not put anything out there. I have opened my life to so many to share my thoughts and perspective. It’s an odd process for sure, much easier to put it into a journal. Is this the true me or just my subconscious that has taken over and blurts out whatever comes to mind. In the beginning I intended to only write one little paragraph each day and show an image, but I can’t seem to express myself in so few words. I have recently been reading the poetry of various writers on Red Bubble and am in awe of how they can express such deep thought with so few words. I guess we each have our own style. In so many ways the with the last 100 days I have found a new place for myself, made amazing connections to everywhere in the world, shown my images, and grown as an artist. But the down side of the past 100 days is that I have lost a part of myself that I cannot quite seem to recover. Time to just be me, downtime without regret. Now looking back I feel I have lived most of my life from this perspective. It like my compulsion tells me I have to cram as much as I utterly can into those 1440 minutes of the day. It’s almost like I am in the water, about to go under, gasping as if this will become my final breath. Something deep with in drives me telling me I have to fill it with meaning. So much has been lost around me. Most of my greatest friends are gone. Gilbert, one of my greatest inspirations who helped me get into photography, got a brain tumor the week he finally decided to retire and was gone 6 months later. Having cancer myself definitely brings it to light. Growing up as a gay kid during the incurable stages of age of HIV and AIDS, I saw so much of my community completely obliterated. The passing of my mother a couple years back at an early age. And then last year the passing of Joe, another great patron of my work. I feel and mourn all the loss so deeply in my heart. Do I fear my mortality coming to a close, possibly? But I feel I have faced so much death and loss that I am comfortable of that inevitable end. I guess this is what makes this time now so very precious. To explore, at this time in my life, what it all means. I don’t really look for fame or glory, but need to know all I have worked toward is worthwhile. That I have accomplished something meaningful for myself. I guess that it why I ache when I have down time and am compelled to get up and do something more. I do not know if it is a gift or a curse. Looking back it’s just the way I have always been. I know my time in life is transient, but I feel there is some greater purpose that I have not yet fulfilled. What it is I am still not sure? Many years ago, as I was traveling home, across Tennessee, I was caught in a terrible storm, of tornados, wind, rain and lighting. It was so bad and several people were killed during the storm. I too was struck by lighting. It completely disabled the van I was driving and I was left with that taste of electrical discharge in my mouth as every hair on my body stood on end. There has to be some significance in being struck by lighting, to know that force and power, gives me confidence that I am destined to fulfill some higher purpose. I have always marveled at Michelangelo’s painting of creating in the Sistine Chapel where god and man’s fingers are extended toward each other and humanity is given to spark of life.