One man's exploration in finding himself and his search for light, beauty, desire and art.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Compromising The Intent
This year and this project have really been a sort of coming to terms with my own identity crisis; but now two thirds of my way through it I cannot tell if I am actually resolving or worsening the impact it’s actually having on me. In many ways I have come to terms with how I see myself. There is a greater acceptance of where I currently reside on the issues of being a gay man coming to terms with middle age, being creative and living in Montana. I feel like I have found clarity on so many of the issues I have struggled with. But there is a part of it that still remains hidden and I have begun to wonder if somehow I have derailed myself from the original intention of my beginning this process. I find that I keep checking myself to ensure that I am being true and honest to my nature. It is so easy to become influenced by the Internet and my communication to others I interact with in this space. But does that mean that my reality is actually evolving into something beyond my own consciousness? When I began this process at the beginning of the year, the one question I asked myself everyday was, “Am I being honest in my views and reflections of my world?” If I could not say yes, I would have to start over and write a new posting for the day. And yes there were many days where I felt I was trying to effect what I was doing instead of getting at the core of my true feelings and I would have to start over. Now it has somehow become second nature and it seems to flow as a stream of consciousness. I often become completely oblivious to what comes pouring out. The flip side to the worsening of the identity crisis is that perhaps I am reaching a bit too hard or desperately for something that is beyond where I really need or want to go. It is so easy to be seduced by cyberspace and allow yourself to slip into a sort of heightened sense of a false reality. One of my greatest fears is becoming delusional about who or what I am. I fear if I buy into a delusional fantasy, will I become lost from the true nature of what brings me to this place from the beginning. I have really tried to maintain the balance and be practical throughout the process and still try to remain honest to myself. I have recently begun a conversation with someone who has been giving me some honest feedback on this project. They have reminded me that what really makes this project interesting is my insight and experience, that this project is really about me. Who I am and what I have to share. It kind of caught me off guard, because in a way I feel that I have lost that focus and have been bringing my energy around toward a dream, and have become so caught in the dream that I forgotten the self. The dream will come, but not if it becomes the focus. I can see now I need to get back to what inspires the core of my creative process and let go of the process itself. This weekend I have been dismantling my old darkroom. And as I went back to the old space I read something I had scribbled on the cupboard door above my printing area to remind myself of each day, so many years ago when I was first beginning “PRINT WHAT YOU FEEL WITHOUT INTENT!”