One man's exploration in finding himself and his search for light, beauty, desire and art.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Back to Basics
This morning I open my computer to a white screen. If I open it to the world on my laptop I fear becoming lost and being influenced by its persuasive force. Today I need to focus. These writings are beginning to write themselves in my dreams and I must hear what they have to say. You see I live in Montana and my studio sits on the edge of a vast wilderness. Out my door and down the lane is where the wilderness begins, it is known as the Rattlesnake, and a most magnificent creek meanders though my little valley fed by the mountain wilderness above us. Behind the studio a giant mountain looms and I am in its shadow until mid morning. In the spring and throughout the summer I climb this mountain and look out over the valley and see the city below me and am humbled by my presence is such glory. It is a place I can sit and ponder for hours. You see Missoula is a remarkable place where many rivers and valleys meet to create a hidden city in the mountains. It’s truly a remarkable place. I feel at home here and peace settles around me. We are surrounded by wilderness sometimes scary and dark but mostly filled with life and beauty. Within my studio I connect to the Internet and it too surrounds me by a vast wilderness sometimes scary and dark but mostly filled with life and beauty. Though I connect to the vastness of the world it begins to draw me deeper within myself. I have a tendency to loose my self in such places. Some of this I embrace and some of it terrifies me. With this project, though it is a reflection of myself, I feel I am somewhat losing a part of myself. I struggle to maintain control. I guess I have to give up something of myself to gain a greater perspective to my own identity? This morning I crave the simplicity of being alone with myself. So many people responded to my frustration yesterday with kind words and thoughts and I was deeply moved. I am not always sure where all this doubt, fear and anxiety comes from, for I am lucky to have such a remarkable life in such a remarkable place. I have a tendency to reach beyond myself and push my boundaries and go deeper into the wilderness. With this project I am beginning to fear becoming lost in the wilderness in my head. There is so much to do and look at and connect to and network and tools to look at stats and numbers, that it becomes a distraction and I forget my focus, which is me and my art. Today I must climb that mountain within myself and reclaim it; to work solely on imagery, without outside influence. To get back in touch with my inner self that I feel is slipping away.