Fear Of Falling

Last night I finally arranged to jump from the plane. It is scheduled for the morning after the party and the day before my birthday. I found it a little odd when they said they only take cash before the event. I suppose if all doesn’t go well, there is no recourse for payment if you don’t survive, LOL. The excitement and terror pulsed through my body, my mind, and my heart was racing a bit just making the appointment. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like the day of the event.

I have two fears remaining in my life that I have yet to confront; one is fear of water and drowning, which I am not sure how to confront, the other is a fear of falling. I was always the kid that could not jump off the bridge when swimming in river in the summer, but that of course are two of my greatest phobias combined. And I don’t know why all of a sudden I feel compelled to make this happen. I guess I am expecting some kind of liberation in my head with the actual exiting of the plane. Who knows I may be like one of those cats with arms outstretched clawing into whatever desperate last attempts to not go; I’m hoping for a little more dignity then that. And it is the exiting the plane that will become the problem for me, the actual fall I don’t think will be the issue. The event will take place at 11:00 on May 22 in Ronan, Montana. There are still seats available if anyone wants to join. I talked to my brother Mark immediately after I made the appointment to see if he was interested. His reply was “GOD NO, I have no desire to jump out of a plane.” (His birthday is the day after mine.) A friend Justin came by this morning and said he did it for his 18th birthday and it was a turning point in his life. He was able to face a lot of fears and gave him a boldness toward making decisions at that point in his life. I am hoping it will do the same for me.

This has been the year for great leaps in my life. To finally put myself out there and say this is who I am has been liberating and inspiring. I have always searched for meaning in everything. To challenge myself and defy standard convention. To push my own boundaries. As the day of my 50th Birthday rapidly approaches, it feels like it’s getting easier somehow. Beginning this year, I was very fearful of the idea and of the process. I lead a somewhat reckless youth and actually never thought I would get to this age so I need to define this moment by something truly momentous and it doesn’t get any grander than this. I guess I want to be able to look back on my life and say I have done it my way with little fear, to boldly go and stare the doubts in my life in the eyes and face the truths within myself. We only get this chance once in our lives to feel the blood coursing through our veins as our hearts pump with adrenaline and we float back to the earth.

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